your favourite song plays on the radio
as your phone rings,
your heart beats a different language today.
ma taught you to be weary of thunderstorms when dad became one
you put your raincoat out to dry
as the lightening strikes in counts of three
you look for the empty bottles
they remind you of home
turkey and dinner table laughter
never seeped in your memories
only your brother’s tears did
you chug down all the beer in one gulp
and look for the wine
it’s a holiday
you stay within your room
pretend those footsteps aren’t yours.
you hear your neighbours laughing
outside in the streets
as they put up all the fairy lights
you turn off the lamp
and remind yourself
the shadows are more beautiful
there’s last night’s leftover pizza in the fridge
and lasagna from when you last cooked
ma made the best pasta
you don’t feel hungry anymore
you fill your stomach with all those empty memories
your brother always played the best movies
you plug in your laptop
you’ve had too much sugar in the brownies jess got to work today
she forgot you were diabetic
you rush to the sink
you’re coughing now
you’ve forgotten to take your medicines
you don’t call the doctor
maa always treated you at home
you black out
you wake up when the night is a lot quieter
a little darker than usual
a chill takes over you
you’re lying there
covered in your own tears
and vomit
you don’t move
you’re scared that if you do
you’ll know that this is real
you don’t want it to be
you wait for the phone to ring
or the door to bang open
you wait for maa to come save you
or your brother to ask you to
save yourself
the neighbours have done the lights
they’re putting up the tree now
your hands tremble as you take off
your tshirt
you forgot to wear a sweater
yet again
your footsteps quiver a little
as you make your way past
all those empty bottles
to all those empty mirrors
you see your face there
but it’s not you
you trace all those scars
on your skin
there are belt marks
from last christmas
and the burns haven’t
gone away
your tears make your burns
ache a little
and you thought your pain
had faded away
you hear all the dancing
from the next house
and you miss everything
you never had
there is warmth there
you freeze a little
you sit under the shower
for an hour
wish for it to wash away
all your memories
you scrub your skin
you scrape your scars
the marks burn a little
you feel empty
like the bottles
you walk out
the same body
the same person
nothing changes
but you
the neighbours are having dinner now
they’re talking about their day
and politics
and the weather
and school
and turkey
and dessert
and pie
and you sit here thinking
if the bottles are emptier
or you
your favourite song plays on the radio
as your phone rings,
your heart beats a different language today.
you hear the rain outside
it’s a thunderstorm
you pick up the phone
it’s from the prison
they ask you if you accept the call charges?
you say you do
for the first time
in seven years
your father wishes you a merry Christmas you choke on your own breath
put the phone down
you turn off the radio
and the lights
and you walk away
like your father did.
_empty bottles
9/12/17
as your phone rings,
your heart beats a different language today.
ma taught you to be weary of thunderstorms when dad became one
you put your raincoat out to dry
as the lightening strikes in counts of three
you look for the empty bottles
they remind you of home
turkey and dinner table laughter
never seeped in your memories
only your brother’s tears did
you chug down all the beer in one gulp
and look for the wine
it’s a holiday
you stay within your room
pretend those footsteps aren’t yours.
you hear your neighbours laughing
outside in the streets
as they put up all the fairy lights
you turn off the lamp
and remind yourself
the shadows are more beautiful
there’s last night’s leftover pizza in the fridge
and lasagna from when you last cooked
ma made the best pasta
you don’t feel hungry anymore
you fill your stomach with all those empty memories
your brother always played the best movies
you plug in your laptop
you’ve had too much sugar in the brownies jess got to work today
she forgot you were diabetic
you rush to the sink
you’re coughing now
you’ve forgotten to take your medicines
you don’t call the doctor
maa always treated you at home
you black out
you wake up when the night is a lot quieter
a little darker than usual
a chill takes over you
you’re lying there
covered in your own tears
and vomit
you don’t move
you’re scared that if you do
you’ll know that this is real
you don’t want it to be
you wait for the phone to ring
or the door to bang open
you wait for maa to come save you
or your brother to ask you to
save yourself
the neighbours have done the lights
they’re putting up the tree now
your hands tremble as you take off
your tshirt
you forgot to wear a sweater
yet again
your footsteps quiver a little
as you make your way past
all those empty bottles
to all those empty mirrors
you see your face there
but it’s not you
you trace all those scars
on your skin
there are belt marks
from last christmas
and the burns haven’t
gone away
your tears make your burns
ache a little
and you thought your pain
had faded away
you hear all the dancing
from the next house
and you miss everything
you never had
there is warmth there
you freeze a little
you sit under the shower
for an hour
wish for it to wash away
all your memories
you scrub your skin
you scrape your scars
the marks burn a little
you feel empty
like the bottles
you walk out
the same body
the same person
nothing changes
but you
the neighbours are having dinner now
they’re talking about their day
and politics
and the weather
and school
and turkey
and dessert
and pie
and you sit here thinking
if the bottles are emptier
or you
your favourite song plays on the radio
as your phone rings,
your heart beats a different language today.
you hear the rain outside
it’s a thunderstorm
you pick up the phone
it’s from the prison
they ask you if you accept the call charges?
you say you do
for the first time
in seven years
your father wishes you a merry Christmas you choke on your own breath
put the phone down
you turn off the radio
and the lights
and you walk away
like your father did.
_empty bottles
9/12/17
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