9:35 pm
Tuesday
July 4, 2017
Last week I
decided that I will take control of my own life and I went and sat under the
rain on the roof of my house for fifteen whole minutes. The next day, I was
down with 102 fever, nostrils through which I couldn’t breathe, a really bad headache
and an even worse cough. It’s still
raining heavily and I’m still down with fever but if it were up to me, I’d run
up to my roof yet again and sit under the rain for another fifteen minutes. I’m
not too sure if it was worth it because I have one of the most important exams
in my life coming up this Sunday, I had my Debate ECA trials today and I’m
still getting my admissions done in the Delhi University. But in those fifteen
minutes, I forgot everything.
And man, how
amazing it feels to forget everything.
If there is
something I’ve realised in the past 18 years of my life, it’s that I do not
know how to take decisions. I’m too indecisive a person so I allow everyone but
myself to make decisions for me, because that way if things go downhill, I have
someone to blame and that someone isn’t me.
I know that’s
really not the best strategy to live by but at this point of time, I’m just
taking one day at a time, one step at a time. I’m too clumsy to even walk a
mile without falling and I think my family should never buy me a new phone or
that I shouldn’t be permitted to carry it around. But I do, and I fall, and I
get scars here and there and scratches on my phone all the time.
My phone
covers and my bags are full of pen marks because I think that’s just who I am
as a person now. Everything is so
baseless and I spend everyday waiting for a miracle. I think the fact that I
can still hope is yet another miracle.
My life is
changing and I’m starting college in another 15 days yet I’ve nothing figured out,
starting with my career. I keep telling myself I’ll figure it out but it’s been
so long that I’ve taken a backseat in my own life and I let it steer me wherever
it may.
The clock’s
always ticking and I’m always craving for waffles and I cannot sit with the
A.C. on because I have fever but it’s too hot without the A.C.. And I’ve been
avoiding people and life for way too long already. I guess I’m just afraid to
blame myself because I don’t think I’ll ever be able to live with it.
It’s still
raining and I can hear all of it.
Some days, I
wish that this is all I ever have to hear. And on others, I wish I could block
out all this noise, forever.
Life feels
like a sad lullaby that I just cannot get out of my head but cannot recall the
lyrics to either.
I’m too numb
to walk on my own mistakes. But I will get through. I have to.
I have too
many roadmaps that I’m yet to follow.
One day, I
might have the courage to draw my own.
And the day
I do, it’ll be the most beautiful roadmap of this galaxy.
I wish I do,
I really do.
Hope gets me
everywhere, anyway.
It’ll get me
through this too.
Love,
Emm
10:00 pm
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